Original title
Never the Twain
Released
9/7/1981
Origin country
GB
Genre
Comedy
Status
Ended
Number of seasons
11
Number of episodes
67
Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.
The feuding fathers find out about the relationship between their son and daughter and consider taking steps to prevent a marriage.
Veronica appears on the scene - causing Simon and Oliver to compete for more than antiquities.
Veronica wants to go to the opera in Edinburgh. Simon and Oliver each compete to be her date. Simon has to find a replacement au pair.
Oliver's antiques shop is burgled. A pair of pistols is reported missing, but when these mysteriously turn up in Simon's shop Oliver turns this misfortune into an opportunity to make money from an insurance claim. Simon is arrested when a police officer spots the pistols in his shop window. To encourage Oliver to assist him in getting the charges dropped he agrees to help Oliver get membership at his golf club.
Oliver beats Simon to a painting they both want. But is it a Constable or not? David confesses propositioning another woman, jeopardising their engagement.
Simon holds a dinner for Oliver, Lyn and David, his ulterior motive being to expose Oliver's lack of etiquette. Lyn prepares for her move into Simon and David's home. David and Lyn's wedding day arrives.
Simon nominates Oliver for membership of his golf club. Oliver holds a function for the committee members to win their support. Lyn and David are on their honeymoon and return to find Oliver and Simon quarrelling over their wedding presents.
Simon and Oliver seek to win Veronica's affections. Oliver reaches the age of 50. Lyn is concerned about her father being lonely, but David is concerned about the amount of time she spends with him.
David and Lyn quarrel about her taking a full-time job. Oliver seeks a new cleaner. Simon is losing to Oliver in a telephone chess game and becomes suspicious about Oliver's apparent skill at the game.
Simon needs a blood transfusion, but he has a rare blood type. Oliver has the same blood type and agrees to donate in return for favours from Simon, including dating Veronica.
Simon's sister visits him and Oliver immediately falls for her. Simon and Oliver each purchase one of a pair of figurines and then attempt to purchase the others to make a valuable pair.
Oliver and Simon each separately consider reforming their partnership due to the poor state of their accounts and the imminent arrival of the taxman.
Oliver and Simon have re-entered their partnership. They decide to do a stocktake. Oliver meets up with an old school friend, Bethan. Confusion ensues over a fake watch and a "pair" of candlesticks.
Simon receives an offer for his shop. Oliver thinks that Ringo has won the pools and breaks his partnership with Simon, offering Ringo a partnership. However, thinks are not what they seem for either man.
Both Simon and Oliver believe that they have appointments to meet Lady Deveraux with a view to purchasing some of her antiques.
Oliver and Simon discuss the issue of grandchildren. David claims to have had a vasectomy. Oliver and Simon join a dating agency as an alternative route to continuing their family lines.
Simon and Oliver go on a health kick. An auction in Wales causes disagreement between the two men.
Simon and Oliver are invited as guests onto a radio show. The two men become convinced that Lyn is pregnant.
David and Lyn have moved to Canada. Simon needs to find someone to rent his flat quickly before his Aunt Eleanor moves in.
Oliver attempts to gain the Royal Warrant for his shop from the Prince of Wales. Simon investigates his family tree in the hope of finding that he has blue blood.
Oliver and Simon volunteer to perform at a Vet Circle luncheon for Caroline.
Simon's life becomes complicated when an old sweetheart pays him an unexpected visit.
Oliver and Simon duel over a woman, Caroline. But they find that there is another man vying for her affections.
Simon holds a meeting of the Residents' Association. There is a new resident who is about to move in and this leads to a sleepless night for both Simon and Oliver.
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